Saturday, February 10, 2018

If you don't know where you are going, any road can take you there....

"From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I've been told what I must do and who I must be. I've been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice but this is my dream. I'll decide where it goes from here." - Alice



Free.

    I think we all have those fleeting moments where we feel completely, totally, wholly and utterly-free.  For me at least they have always been fleeting, to say the least.  Just a moment, like a breath of fresh air after surfacing from the water.  The moment that the air fills your lungs with a burst of hope and refreshment...  when you take a second away from the involuntary act of breathing just to breathe deeply.  It fills your lungs and re-aligns everything.  The burst of oxygen brings your thoughts to height and your soul to depth.  You feel- alive.  There's a variance and a fierceness that you've been lacking, and you just know that your eyes are brighter and your body lighter.  A moment of crisp sharpness, that although it may be fleeting- it reminds you that you are alive.  
   I live for those moments.  


   There are so many moments that honestly, just make life worth living.  
   The overwhelming feeling of joy that comes from wrapping my arms around my small boy...  and feeling his small little fingers tickle the back of my neck.  Or the moment that I run my fingers across my stomach, and although I spend so much time feeling so much hatred toward my outer appearance, it feels soft and beautiful.  The feel of my husbands hair under my fingertips...  how silky and soft...  and glitters of gray that are so beautiful because I have seen them turn from auburn to silver and it means we have spent almost half of our lives together.  My kids...  laughing...  creating...  loving one another.   There are moments worth living for, every single day.
    I haven't spent a lot of time here in the blogger world lately.  It's been my own choice, for my own remedy of what ails me.  There are so many voices, that I just needed to press a few back for awhile.  I was so tired of so many voices telling me how to parent...how to live...  how to decorate my house..  how to blog...  so on, so on.  I spent three day in agony trying to decide simply whether or not to get my children the flu shot, just because of all the words all around me....  and spent the next week lying beside my youngest girl in the bed, watching movies on the tablet, cuddling and loving until the flu left her body...  and wondered why I was ever so agonized about something that could have helped her feel just a little better..  
    So I pushed away.  I unfollowed.  I stopped 'linking up'.   I stopped allowing voices to tell me who I was and how I was supposed to be.  I stopped thinking that I had to be the perfect homeschooling Mommy who had the perfect curriculum- and decided that there were things that worked for my kids that wouldn't work for others and vice versa.  I stopped believing that in order to be the Pastors wife that I needed to be I should step out and work with the kids more, volunteer more of my time...  make sure I tended to every need and for heaven's sake, if you're too nervous to sing in church just don't.  I started living life on my terms, in my own way.  In the beginning, I thought..  this can't possibly be right, because there are so many people out there telling me to do things different.  Yet, I began on a path and started to go my own way- and all of the sudden, those fleeing moments were far more reoccurring.
    I realized then that this was Gods plan all along.  Like every single moment..  every breath of air and strand of grass and gentle breeze.  This moment, these realizations...  all of these were in his mind far before I took the steps toward them.  I have spent so many years trying to be something I'm not.  Trying to find someones mold that I could stuff myself into.  Yet- God has already created in me everything that I am going to need to fulfill his purpose in life..  I just have to be willing to embrace it.  Embody it, and surface it.  
   The Mommy that my kids need can't be a replica of the Mommy anyone else needs.  He created me, crafted them carefully, and placed them under my stewardship.  I'm exactly what they need.  
    I'm exactly the wife I need to be.
    I'm exactly the daughter, sister, and friend that I need to be.
    I'm exactly the Pastor's wife that this church, in this season needs me to be.
    That doesn't mean I'll suit all of these needs for the long haul.  Yet for now, for this very moment, I'm exactly where I need to be, and that's a blessing and a relief.  

    I always had it in the back of my mind that perhaps those who were not following after God may have it a bit easier.  Afterall, they can go and do as they please...  with God in their back pocket rather than holding onto the wheel.  I no longer even entertain that thought.  It's amazing to be in the passenger seat, rather than the drivers seat.  To have no question as to what you are doing, and how you are to be doing it.  You just ride...  pray....  and to continue to allow Him to direct your path.  It's a wonderful state of being.

    So that's where I am, at this moment in my life.  I want His leading in the direction of my blog...  so as of this moment, I'm not certain what I'm going to be writing about.  I do know that God has gifted me with a love for writing, and that its very encouraging to me.  So I do hope to share my heart here.  I have so many dreams, and I"m a woman of a thousand interests...  so I'm just walking with him leading, and searching to see where life finds me.  
   We shall see!